Updated: Apr 21
A Woman's Search for Love
Love is a beautiful thing. The way one person can capture your heart and make you feel like nothing else matters. One day you are meeting then you're staying up random nights and mornings talking about your passions and dreams. It goes from a feeling to an active choice to choose one another despite life's circumstances and realities. You make the decision to selflessly choose them over and over again regardless of opposition. It becomes a daily sacrifice of self. Eventually, they become the one you want to journey through life with. The one you cannot see your life without. JESUS became my one, but it was not always this way...
We started off as strangers. A few months before we met, I had a vision that I was going to meet a man. God showed me a woman walking in a pink dress and a man began to walk beside her as if they were meeting for the first time. It was quite interesting because I was longing for love yet, I was not the type of woman to date just any man. I was very selective about my relationships. Months later, we met through a mutual friend. He was everything I wanted at the time. I eventually saw myself building a life with him.
I remember sitting in my room talking to God about it. I had already consulted my friends and mentors, but I was very hesitant to go to God in fear of what he’d say. Yet I had to seek the only voice that mattered in my choice of love. During prayer, he told me that we would walk together for a season, but he was not my husband. A season. It didn’t sound so bad when I first heard it. I was just excited to fall in love.
Several months passed, we were going on dates, spending time together, and dating officially. We went everywhere together, almost as if we were inseparable. I soon found myself falling aimlessly short due to the temptation of my lustful desires and longings to explore full intimacy. The conviction came, but I deliberately ignored it with a selfish heart of rebellion. The Lord began to remind me of the words he had spoken about our relationship: temporary and far from longevity, yet I was so consumed with us that I neglected what God had told me.
We were destined to meet but only purposed to walk together for a season.
He was not my forever partner and I was not his. At some point, I knew it was time to leave. I even wrote a letter to end the relationship, but the minute I saw him, I threw it away. I was wrestling with myself mentally and emotionally. The further we went into the relationship, the louder God's voice became. "Don't settle.", "You all are unequally yoked."," Is this relationship for you?" So many questions and emotions were running through my mind. I knew what my heart wanted, but I knew what my mind was telling me. God even sent words of confirmation through mentors, pastors, and secular sources, but I ignored them all. Confusion was ever present at this moment; but not because God was the author. I couldn’t bring myself to end the relationship that I wanted. God spoke, essentially giving me a choice to choose him or my partner, but I made the decision to continue with the relationship despite his voice. Eventually, he became silent.
Suddenly the unthinkable happened. We were spending the weekend together before my summer trip out of state. At the time, we were involved with one another intimately as we were giving in to our lustful desires, but we made the choice to sustain from sex. I was not ready to explore full intimacy and give myself away as I had desires to wait until marriage. But, that all changed the weekend my innocence was taken without consent. I felt so worthless and disappointed in that moment. I had waited years for a special moment that all woman dreamed about, only for it to be corrupted by single moment of self gratification and selfishness. Afterward, I didn't say a word. I couldn't process the depths of the pain I felt. I soon realized why God had warned me to leave earlier. He was trying to protect us.
The enemy was given power to attack because of my disobedience and rebellion. God loves all his children unconditionally, but when I made the choice to go outside of his will and deliberately disobey his instructions it gave the enemy access to my life and the lives of those connected to me. God did not cause the event, but it was allowed to get my attention.
We were both torn from the encounter as neither one of us understood the depths of the decision, the power of sex, and its detrimental effects when experienced outside of marriage. Something that is intended to be beautiful and pure in the sight of God can be tainted by single moments of perversion and sexual immorality. What God intended to be a good thing became the complete opposite.
I soon began to see visions of myself severely injured and wounded on a battlefield. God came down in an emergency helicopter to deliver a care package to me. I was transported to a hospital on an emergency care flight. I saw myself lying unconscious on a surgery bed. My respiration levels began to drop. Soon, a doctor was performing operations on me and using a defibrillator to restore my life. My partner and best friend were standing on both sides of me. I began to reach for them, but God allowed them to walk away.
I could see God standing at the foot of the bed and he begin to touch my mind as he was looking over me. He was the only one who could revive me. The only one that could save me from me.
I spent the entire summer seeking God. I had nothing left. I had finally had enough of me. I was tired of running from the woman in the mirror. I was tired of running from my past and I was tired of seeking love from everyone but the one who created it.
Most parents would condemn their children and make them feel shameful and guilty for their choices, but God wrapped his arms around me tighter and held me closer. His omnipresent love was closer than I'd ever experienced before. In my state of condemnation and brokenness he consumed me with his everlasting love and grace. I begin to see our relationship from a different perspective.
I soon made the decision to walk away. We broke up that summer. It was not an easy process to give up on our story because we genuinely cared for one another, but it was time for me to choose me. It was time for me to choose God. Yet, it took us months to officially separate physically, mentally, and emotionally. Due to our sexual encounters, we had become one and I found myself going back to him due to my desires to be loved.
The Lord gave me a command. He said, “Give me what you have, and I will multiply it. You’ve been exchanging your heart with man. Make an exchange with me. Give me what you love” I was given the choice to sacrifice my will in exchange for my purpose and everything attached to it. I had to depend on the strength of God to sever our ties. He instructed me to fast on several occasions. During these periods, I had to surrender my heart, mind, and soul to the Lord. I was broken and there was no way out of it this time. The only way for me to be healed was to go through God. The only way for me to be saved was to go through God. The only way for me to be made whole was to go through God. I needed healing and restoration and his love was the only remnant that could save me. The Lord took me through a purification process to rid me of our covenant and break our soul tie.
Sex is a beautiful thing that God created, however there are reasons why His word encourages us to sustain and wait until marriage. Sex is not just physical, but it is spiritual. It is a sacred experience shared between a husband and wife to unite them as one flesh. It is an undefiled space when experienced between one woman and one man in unity, however when we give in to our fleshly desires it allows perversion and sexual immorality to taint our temple and pervert a gift given by the creator. Ultimately it is our choice and if we do sin and fall short, all we have to do is get back up. His forgiveness and grace extends to us all, sometimes it's just a matter of forgiving and showing grace to ourselves. No man is perfect, because we all fall short of the glory of God yet he loves us all.
God showed me that I had never genuinely chosen him wholeheartedly through this experience so he allowed the enemy to test me in this area of love. The night I made the choice to officially walk away from my last partner I saw a ring drop to the ground and I was in a room screaming on a bed. I saw people run in to keep me calm. The Lord spoke to me several days later and told me that the woman I saw screaming on the bed wasn’t me but the enemy. God spoke a word and commanded the enemy to release me. He said’ “Release her. Release her now, she is my child.” I was in chains in my mind, and I didn’t know how but the Lord delivered me. My desire to be loved was soul piercing and led to me to making many decisions that impacted my life and so many others. Desiring love is not a big thing at all, because we were all created in God's image and He is love. It becomes negative when we neglect the love of our creator, while searching the world to find it in others.
My last relationship brought me to my knees because it exposed the depths of my need for love. I was willing to sacrifice my purpose and identity to be with him. I was willing to forgo God's will for my life in exchange for a life I thought I could create on my own. I was willing to settle because of my desire to feel love that I thought I never had. But, I've come to see that God was with me the entire time. Love was always with me. I just needed to open my eyes to see.
Love taught me many things during that journey. Initially, I did not know who I was when I looked in the mirror and it caused me to become subject to many unfortunate situations. But, when the Lord began to reveal his love, he showed me who he was and who I was destined to be in him. He taught me how to receive and reciprocate love. I am now content with the woman I am and the everlasting love he has given. There is genuinely nothing like it. Now I know and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
My last partner was not a bad person at all, but God made me realize that it was so much bigger. We were intended to walk together for a season, but we were not destined to do life together. It was a test of obedience to see if I'd choose God's will or my own. This test to choose love shifted my perspective and caused me to view love differently for myself, God, and others. I have come to see that I do not have to search this world for love, because it has already been given to me freely. We were created in God's image and he is love.
16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:16-19
During my purification process, the Lord gave me a vision to hold on to as a promise that he makes all things new. I was in a museum full of art. A man walked in and traveled from room to room observing the aligned sculptures and pieces. He entered a space with a vase concealed behind a clear glass. The vase was very beautiful, but it had many fragmented and broken pieces from the inside out. The man pointed to the vase and said, “That belongs to me.” I saw him take the vase home and work on it from the inside out. He didn’t just put bandages on the pieces, but he restored them to back to perfection. I could no longer see the lines of demarcation and fragmentation. I attempted to hold the vase and fix it myself but the potter had insight that went beyond any human comprehension. Once it was complete, he held the vase close to him and stared at his reflection. God makes all things new.
" For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10
JESUS is the one that has captured my heart...
The purpose of a testimony is to shed light on the healing and delivering power of God. In our society, most people are afraid to speak their testimony out of fear of being exposed and viewed by the world from a different lens. But, there is a difference between a story and a testimony. A story tells of the pain and experiences that one has encountered, but a testimony sheds light on God and his delivering power from that pain. It relinquishes the enemies control over our life when we expose his tactics and plans. God can do the impossible in any situation and I've learned that I can no longer allow the enemy to silence my voice out of fear and persecution. I will use wisdom, and know when and how to share, but I will not disregard the voice of God to make anyone feel comfortable. To God be the glory for the way he has delivered me and the ways he will continue to do so. Stay blessed to all of my readers and know that God is with you always. His love has saved us all.
12 For w are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Ephesians 6:12-14